Monthly Archives: January 2016

BLACK CRAP PHOBIA

I was attacked by my eyeball. There is always something going haywire within my pitiful little body. This episode came out of nowhere and smacked me right in the eyeball. My right eyeball.

I have arachnophobia; also known as every black thing which lurks in my peripheral vision is either a spider or a ninja. Spider first. Ninja second. Well, clowns are one of my phobias, but they aren’t usually shrouded in black. I spent two days yelping in fear and slapping at spiders/ninjas which did not exist. On the third day, a wiggly black mass of crap swept across my entire right eye-viewing-ball. I have a new phobia. Black-crap-in-my-eyeball phobia. My husband was out grocery shopping at the time this black, crappy mass wove its demonic way through my entire right eyeball. My husband carries no cell phone. He has his own share of phobias; one of which is that somebody may try to call him and then he’d have to try to figure out how to answer the dang cell phone. So, he doesn’t carry one. Problem solved. I started calling neighbors and snared one to drive me up to the local ophthalmologist and set me out in front of the office.

DIAGNOSIS: Retinal tearing with some bleeding and something about viscous fluid having been interrupted. This likely happened sometime around the rending of my eyeball.

CAUSE FOR RENDERED EYEBALL: Unknown.

INTERVENTION: Laser surgery in Nashville, Tennessee.

PROGNOSIS: Good.

The surgical preparation involved a woman squirting a bunch of goop in my eyeball and the male surgeon lurking above me with this contraption on his head that made him look like a Praying Mantis going on a spelunking adventure. He drilled this intense light into my eyeball telling me to look up and to the left. I told him I couldn’t look at anything because I COULDN’T SEE ANYTHING…INCLUDING THE BLACK CRAP…BECAUSE HE WAS BLASTING ME WITH THE WATTAGE OF THE SUN. He wasn’t impressed with my way with words. “Just look up and to your left until I tell you to stop.”

The good news is that the black crap is gone and I’m pretty much back to normal. Until my left arm suddenly falls off for no good reason at all. Don’t laugh. With me…it could happen.

WORD TO THE WISE: Don’t point lasers at airplanes. You could put somebody’s eye out with one of those things.