FRENCH MANICURE

I am scheduled for outpatient neurosurgery. Yesterday I completed preadmission paperwork and endured an interview with an enthusiastic male nurse. We were getting along well until he mentioned my acrylic fingernails.

Him: Those will have to come off for the surgery.

Me: Not gonna happen.

Him: It is a requirement of the (whatever-the-professional-name-of-people-who-monitor–oxygen-levels-during-surgery) person; of course, he did use the professional name of such a person, but I was no longer listening. The monitoring device checks your oxygen levels during surgery. It is clipped to one of your fingernails. The device cannot read the levels through acrylic.

Me: I have ten unpolished, non-acrylic festooned toenails. The monitoring person has my permission to use any one of my toenails he/she wishes.

Him: I’m sorry; but, it could be a “deal breaker” as to whether or not the surgery will be allowed to take place.

The following hypothetical scenario went across my brain in a nanosecond: I’m racing down I40 being pursued by a news helicopter; a reporter intent on an exclusive interview about the release of book two in the Leslie & Belinda Mystery series (Shanghaied). The helicopter veers out of control and SMASH-O…CRASH-O! I am pulled from the wreckage and zoomed to a trauma center (in another helicopter) for EMERGENCY…RIGHT NOW…HURRY-UP neck surgery. There I am…in the trauma surgical suite and the whatever-the-professional-name-of -people-who-monitor–oxygen-levels-during-surgery person shakes his/her head sadly, “Unfortunately, we will have to allow this beautiful woman to die…because she has acrylic fingernails and my thingy device won’t work through acrylic.”

Right. Like they don’t have a plan B. If this were a true scenario, I would prefer to go to heaven with my French manicured acrylic fingernails intact. For me, this is a “deal breaker”.

(FYI. I did remove the acrylic fingernail on my left little finger. It was traumatic. They’re just going to have to “deal” with it.)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *